I don't want to go through what happens in our house year after year again.
Today is December 22nd. Christmas Eve is in a few days, and I'm sitting in my small apartment, looking at the Christmas tree that's still standing undismantled in the corner. The phone is on the table in front of me, ringing every few moments. It's Mom – trying to convince me to come over for the holidays.
„Kasia, come over. We can't imagine Christmas Eve without you,– she says in the voicemail she recorded a moment ago.
But I don't want to. I don't want to go through what happens in our house every year again. The holidays should be a time of peace, but for us it's always war. Quarrels, mutual accusations, suppressed anger that explodes at the first opportunity. And me, sitting in all this, pretending to myself that it's only temporary.
Last year it all starts off similarly. Christmas carols, borscht, smiles. And then my brother is an hour late. My father starts making spiteful remarks, which become increasingly harsh.
„Tomek, you always only think about yourself! Do you ever manage to be on time??– my father shouts.
My brother returns the favor.
– „What about you? You think you're perfect? At least I don't spend my life with a beer in my hand!”
Mom tries to shush them, but it only makes it worse. Eventually everyone starts screaming, and I sit off to the side, holding the wafer, wondering why it always has to be like this.
The phone rings again. This time I answer.
– „Kasia, why aren't you answering? You'll come, right?” – asks Mom, her voice full of concern.
I take a deep breath.
– „Mom, I don't know. I don't know if I want to spend Christmas Eve in this atmosphere. It ends the same way every year.”
I hear silence on the other end. After a moment, Mom answers.
– „But it's family, Kasia. The holidays are a time to be together, no matter what.”
– „Mom, the holidays are a time to feel peace and love. And we don't have that in our house. I don't want to pretend to myself that things are different again.”
I hear her quiet breathing. I know I'm hurting her, but I have to say it. I have to finally set the boundary.
– „I understand, Kasia. But remember, we're waiting for you. Maybe this year it'll work out differently.?”
I don't answer. I hang up and sit back down at the table. I feel the weight of this decision, but at the same time, something inside me is starting to breathe easier. I have the right to say „no”. I have the right to protect myself.
Christmas is in a few days. I don't know what I'll do. Whether I'll stay home or decide to go. But I know one thing – I don't want to pretend anymore. I want peace, even if it means spending Christmas Eve alone. After all, sometimes the best gift we can give each other for Christmas is the truth.
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