From real life. “My daughter sees me as a cleaner and nanny”: I constantly take care of her children and the house, and she doesn't even thank me

Every day I wake up at dawn and go to Kasia.

Since my daughter, Kasia, gave birth to her first child, her life has become chaos. I couldn't watch her struggle with everyday life – baby, home, work. I immediately offered to help, convinced that as a mother I owed it to her. But over time, this help became my duty, and I changed from a mother and grandmother into a cleaner and nanny who never heard the word “thank you”.

Every day I wake up at dawn and go to Kasia's. I take care of the grandchildren – I dress them, feed them, take them to kindergarten. When the children are out, I clean the apartment, cook dinners, do the shopping. Kasia comes back from work in the evening and throws a short „everything's ready?”. She doesn't ask how I feel, whether I'm tired. For her it's normal that I'm always there and do everything.

– „Mom, can you stay longer? Marek and I have to go out for dinner.”

I hear such requests almost every day. And when I once dared to say no because I didn't feel well myself, Kasia looked at me in disbelief.

– „Mom, you're not doing anything great. They're just kids. How can you say no to me?”

These words hurt me more than I'd like to admit. I spent the whole day on my feet, giving up on my own plans, and she thought I was „doing nothing”.

One day, while the grandchildren were sleeping, I decided to talk to Kasia. I sat down at the table and looked at her, trying to find the right words.

„Kasia, we need to talk. I feel like you don't appreciate what I do for you. I devote all my time to you, and you don't even ask if I'm tired.”

Her reaction surprised me. She cut me off mid-sentence, raising her voice.

– „Mom, you really have to make a drama out of it? It's normal that you help. You're a grandma, that's your role!”

I'm speechless. How could she think like that? Did she really think it was my duty to give up my own life to take care of her family?

That evening I returned home earlier than usual. In the empty walls of my apartment I felt sadness growing inside me. I began to wonder where I had gone wrong. Had I let myself be used too easily? Had I wanted to be needed too much? Or had my love for Kasia blinded me to the point where I allowed her to push the boundaries?

For the next few days I avoided visiting Kasia. I wanted to see if she would notice my absence. If she would call, ask if everything was okay. But the phone was silent. When she finally called, her words were like another blow.

– „Mom, you can finally come? It's a mess here and the kids keep asking where you are.”
She didn't ask why I wasn't there. She didn't worry if something had happened. To her, I was just someone who was supposed to take care of her kids and the house.

Today I still go to Kasia's, but something in me has changed. I've realized that my help isn't appreciated and my love is taken for granted. I'm starting to set boundaries – I say no when I feel like I need a rest. But my heart still aches that my own daughter doesn't see me as a mother and grandmother, but as someone who's just there to help.

I don't know if she'll ever understand how much she's hurting me. But I'm learning that sometimes you have to think of yourself – even if that means I won't hear the words “thank you” that I've waited so long for.

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