A few months ago I was planning my first ever vacation.
For as long as I can remember, I have always put my family first. My dreams, needs, or desires didn't matter – what mattered was that my children had everything they needed. When my husband left many years ago, we were left alone, and I did everything I could to fill that void with love and security.
A few months ago I was planning my first ever vacation. I had everything organized – a trip to the warm seaside that I had always wanted to see. But before I could enjoy this dream, a call came from my son, Krzysztof.
„Mom, we have a problem. We need to renovate the apartment urgently, because the ceiling is starting to leak. We won't be able to finance it ourselves. ”
He didn't have to say anything more. I knew I had to talk. The vacation I had been dreaming about for years suddenly didn't matter anymore. I transferred my savings to his account and told him that everything would be fine. I believed that my sacrifice would be appreciated, that my children, whom I raised with love, would understand how much I do for them.
When Christmas came, I was happy to spend it together. Since the children had their own families, spending time together was rare. I called Krzysztof to invite him and his wife and children.
– „Mom, this year we're spending the holidays with the in-laws. You know Kasia can't neglect them.”
Disappointment gripped my heart, but I decided not to be sad. I called my daughter, Magda, hoping she might come.
– „Mom, we want to stay in our own home. Besides, you know that the kids prefer to be in their room, not at yours.”
Every conversation was like another blow. This year, none of them planned to visit me for the holidays. I was left alone.
I prepared a modest Christmas Eve dinner, even though I knew no one would sit at the table. The Christmas tree stood in the corner, decorated with baubles that my children had made themselves when they were little. Each one was a memory for me, a painful reminder of the years when my family was my whole world.
On Christmas Eve I called Krzysztof to wish him all the best.
– „Mom, thank you. But I can't talk now, we're at the table.”
I heard a similar answer from Magda. There was no time for conversation, for a moment of warmth. After the conversations were over, I sat down at the table, looking at the empty seats. Tears began to flow down my cheeks.
I began to wonder where I had gone wrong. Had my sacrifice made them ungrateful? Had I protected them from hardships for so many years that they had forgotten how important family relationships are?
Today I know that I have to look at my life differently. I am beginning to learn that I cannot put the needs of others before my own. It is painful, but I have come to understand that I cannot expect my children to reciprocate every sacrifice I make. I plan to finally go on the vacation I've been dreaming of, even if I have to spend it alone.
The holidays will never be the same, but I don't intend to live in the shadow of disappointment any longer. I need to learn to love myself the way I've loved my family for years.
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