For years I tried to fix everything.
It was over twenty years ago. One mistake, one moment of weakness that changed our lives forever. I cheated on my husband, Andrzej. I can't even explain why I did it. Maybe it was the need for attention that I wasn't getting from him at the time, maybe the feeling that something was missing. But that affair was brief and meaningless, and the guilt that followed it became unbearable.
When I finally got up the courage to tell Andrzej the truth, I thought it would be the end of our marriage. But he, though shaken, said he forgave me. We went back to our daily lives, but our relationship was never the same. I could see it in his eyes – a shadow of pain, disbelief that never completely disappeared.
For years I tried to fix everything. I was a devoted wife, I supported him in everything, I tried to show him that I was worth his trust. I thought we had succeeded. But a few days ago Andrzej announced something that shattered my world.
– Ania, I want a divorce – he said, sitting at the table. His voice was calm but firm.
I froze.
– What? Andrzej, why? I thought everything was behind us. You forgave me after all.
He looked at me with pain in his eyes.
– I forgave, but I never forgot– he said quietly. – I've tried all these years, but I can't live with you like I used to. It's eating me up inside.
I couldn't believe his words. For so many years he pretended that everything was fine, and now, after so many years, he wants to end our marriage.?
– Andrzej, but we were happy – I tried to convince him. – Do all those moments we spent together, our children, really mean nothing to you?
– Of course they do – he replied. – But every day I feel like something is wrong between us. I don't want to live in this shadow anymore. I want peace.
I couldn't sleep that night. Memories were swirling in my head – our trips together, holidays, our children's smiles. Was it all going to end now because of something that happened so long ago? On one hand, I understood his pain, but on the other hand, I felt like I didn't deserve to be punished after all these years of trying to fix everything.
The next day, I tried to talk to him.
– Andrzej, I beg you, think about it again, – I said. – We've worked for this marriage our whole lives. Do you really want to ruin it all now??
He looked at me with tired eyes.
– Ania, this isn't a decision made overnight. I've been thinking about it for years. It's not about revenge or anger. I just want to start over.
His words were like a knife stabbed straight through my heart. I didn't know what to do. Should I fight for our marriage or accept his decision and let him go? I felt helpless.
When I told my friend everything, she advised me to give him space.
– Maybe he needs time to understand what he really wants, she said.
I started to wonder if maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Hasn't my guilt held us both prisoner all these years?? Maybe a divorce would be a way for him to find the peace he's never known.
But could I live without him?? Could I bear to think that I'd lost not only his trust, but his love as well?? These questions still remain unanswered.
For now, I'm trying to fight for us, although I increasingly wonder if it's not too late. Maybe sometimes the only way to love someone is to let them go.
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