I raised Julia alone since her father left when she was only three.
I sit at the kitchen table, staring at photos from years ago. In one of them, my daughter, Julia, is smiling broadly, holding a new doll in her hands. It was for her &m;s birthday &m; I remember how long I saved to buy her the toy of her dreams. I wanted her to be happy. I devoted my entire life to making sure she lacked nothing. And today I heard from her that she had a difficult childhood because of me.
I raised Julia alone since her father left when she was only three. It was hard, but I didn't want her to feel that way. I worked two jobs to pay the bills, buy food, and provide her with everything she needed. I often sacrificed my own needs so she could have what she dreamed of. I believed that love and sacrifice would be enough to create a happy childhood for her.
But yesterday, while talking to Julia, everything I believed in crumbled.
We were sitting in the living room, and the conversation quickly turned from innocent memories to something I didn't expect. Julia looked at me with a cold expression on her face.
– „Mom, I have to tell you something. My whole childhood I felt like I didn't have a normal life. Everything was hard. You were always tired, you were never home. I always felt like something was missing.”
I looked at her like someone had punched me in the face.
– „Julia, what are you talking about? I did everything I could to make sure you had what you needed. I worked day and night to make sure you had a future!”
But her gaze didn't soften.
– „But mom, you were never there. It's not just about the money. It's about not being able to talk to you when I had a problem, not being able to feel like you were really there for me. You were always too busy working or tired to notice what I was feeling.”
Her words were like a knife to the heart. For years I believed that my sacrifice would make her happy. That she would be proud of her mother, who fought every day. And now she's telling me that my efforts meant nothing.
– „Julia, I did it all for you. Don't you really understand? I gave you my whole life!”
– „But did you ever ask me what I really wanted? Mom, I wanted you. Your presence. Not just the things you bought me.”
When Julia left, I was left alone with those words. I felt like I had lost ground. Had I really made a mistake? Had my sacrifice been too one-sided? Had I focused so much on providing her with material security that I had forgotten what was really important?
I couldn't sleep all night. Images of her childhood kept flashing through my mind. I could see myself sitting at my desk, working late nights to earn more bills. I see myself walking her to school, rushing to work. But I also see the times when she was alone, when I didn't have time to ask how her day was. Maybe she was right? Maybe she really was missing something that I didn't see?
Today I look at the photos and wonder if we can still fix this. I love Julia with all my heart, but I don't know how to show her that so she understands. Maybe it's not enough to say „I did it for you”. Maybe we need to learn to listen, to be present in the way she needs.
I know one thing – I won't give up. If I fought for years for her to have a better life, now I will fight for our relationship to have a chance at a new beginning. Even if it is the hardest fight of my life.
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